he's walking!

or better said- running.

the boy 'took off' the day after christmas & hasn't slowed down since. and so far we've avoided any major crashes - but i'm sure they will hunt us down sooner than later.

happy new year everyone!

a year-

i hestitate to say . . .
the boy has slept THROUGH the night for a total of 4 nights!!!

oh goodness - life is good.
and it only took a little over a year. 365+ days of sleeping no more than 4-5 hours at one time. but now, down by 7:30 & sleeps until 8. did i mention it's only been a year?

he has also weaned himself from breastfeeding (could be little sibling taking up all the nutrients) and he has taken himself off pureed baby food. and all this time i thought we were in charge. :) he has adapted to an unbelievable schedule - taking two 1.5 hour naps each day. how sweet it is. and it only took a year.

and now - here we are are. pregnant again. as if i thought i had the whole motherhood thing down pat -

what the hell are we thinking?

please tell me the second one sleeps through the night by 3 months, changes his own diaper and orders from the 'kid menu' from the get-go.

it's overwhelming. i wonder if i'm 'equiped'. and as hard is it is to accept the facts - i pray for this baby. healthy, full-term. and i pray for my baby that is here now. may i have the time, energy and love for two. may i be 'enough.'

and the worst part - i remember labor. i mean i remember.

it's only been a year.

this boy

this boy,
this little human,
this amazing creation. . .
seems just yesterday he was in my belly-
and now a whole year has passed.
where did the time go?
please god let me hold these moments in my mind forever.

9 months out-

it is apparent to me now . . .
even at 9 months.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

kahlil gibran

traveling fools

angel fire, taos, dallas, houston, port A, san antonio, bulverde, san marcos, san angelo, and now beaumont. not to mention all the places in between.
i miss my pillow. i miss bella. most of all, i miss my husband.

and this boy is growing way too fast. hard to believe he has almost been on the outside as long as he was in the womb.


we can't wait to see you dad! love, a & jett august

we did it!

3 clif bars, 2 bags of clif 'shots', 2 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, 6 bandaids for 2 hellish blisters, 2 camelbacks full of h2o, 3 deer, 8 hours of hiking/ climbing, 12 hours away from the boy . . .

and we did it. wheeler peak. 13,161 ft. - the highest peak in new mexico.
crazy beautiful. i'm officially addicted.

























and the reunion - how sweet it was.

3 days until . . .

the BIG DAY.

good luck niecey & goose - have a wonderful time in beautiful st. john.

the discovery of the penis-

yes, you read it right.

it happened. jett has discovered that he has a 'special play toy' when we change his diaper. it all began on the trip home from angel fire a few weekends ago. we changed his diaper in the back of the navigator on the side of the road & his right index finger found its way 'down south'. i don't know if it was just coincidental. i don't know if the breeze traveling through the open windows sparked some interest; i don't know if boys just 'find' 'it' early. and i had NO idea is might happen at 6 months early?!.?!.. wow- let the games begin. now every time we change him his hand immediately goes for the 'gold'. at first it was funny - the look on his face tells it all.

i imagine him thinking, 'hello, play toy. when did you move in?'

and yes, i've called it every name in the book, trying to explain to him that it's a natural, important part of him, without making a big deal about it (in hopes he'll move back to being amused with his toes before he gets to kindergarden.) then it hit me.

it's a penis. he's going to find that out at some point so why shouldn't we just start now. so now mommy calls a 'duck' a 'duck' - and jett and i have conversations about anatomy when we diaper change. but then the funniest thing happened. i overheard daddy changing his diaper tonite saying, 'yeah - that's your 'pee-pee.' be careful, it will hurt if you pull it.'

what would you say to a boy trying to pull 'it' off to get a closer look?

oh my gosh- i'm still laughing. not AT you babe, but very much with you. :) it's funny to me how long it takes me to realize this little guy is a real living, breathing human. i strive for realness in every aspect of my life. why would i want to be any different with my son?
_________________________________________

another 'milestone' - tonight, for the first time, he loved eating solids. he ate oatmeal cereal & green beans like he had never tasted anything so delicious. it brought a tear to my eye. (we've been hoping for this day for three weeks. he hasn't been a fan of solid food until tonight.) and who knows, tomorrow we make take a trip back to square one, but it was great to see him reach for the spoon & whine when dad took too long getting the bite to his mouth.

way to go jett august. you rock! i'm so proud of you. just give your mom & dad some time to figure this thing called 'parenthood' out and we should do fine-

french manicures

it's been a day-
not sure why.

lots going on-
days at the dac are winding down.
my niece moved 3 hours away.
got this stomach issue that won't let up.
can't sleep lately.
hearing more & more about that damn bird flu.
the boy hasn't had a 'good' nap in 2 days.

on the bright side-
days at the dac are winding down.
neicey gets married in one week.
weigh the same as i did in junior high. :(
getting lots accomplished due to sleepless nights.
cleaned out pantry to stock-pile for bird flu.
had LOTS of active time with jett (due to refusal of naps.)

well- now that i think about it, really think about it, life is good.
and get this-
i've discoved if you let the diaper rash cream dry under your fingernails, it looks pretty damn close to a french manicure. :)

love

like i never knew existed.

inspiration

it's been a 'few' days since my last post. :)

may be that so much is happening, my head is spinning, no time to collect my thoughts. may be that my boy is 6 months old, growing like a weed as my grandmother used to say, and i'm scared if i take my eyes off him even for a second he'll be moving off to college -

may be i just needed a little inspiration.











this should do it.


nothing like being in the high country, surrounded by swaying aspens, watching a deer walk across the yard-

and oh yes- seeing this boy, six months old, take in this tattered world, and smiling still - god, is it me or do his eyes match the new mexico sky?
















i don't think we are ever going home.

5 months old today-

happy easter from one cute bunny.

brown bear

finally friday-

i look so forward to the weekends. time with j, time for the 3 of us to hang out together. after 5 days of diapers, laundry, children's books & lullibies, it's nice to have some adult conversation. i think that's why i haven't blogged in a while - the only words in my head are 'brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?' who wants to hear a 30 year old babble about the brown bears in her head.?.

jett doesn't seem to mind my insanity - in fact, i think he finds it quite amusing (god love him.) i do enjoy my time with him - trying to 'be present' each day, watching him explore the world one eyeful at a time. everyday he learns . . . and i learn with him. what a miracle he is. i would give anything to 'bottle' his innocence and sell it on e-bay. highest bid - one billion dollars (you must say it like dr. evil to get the full effect.)

he has so much to discover - and it seems with such a willingness to see the beauty in it all.

take it in, sweet boy. the world is a better place because you're in it!

brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?
i see the jett-ster smiling at me.

first solo 3.22.2006

congratulations curt!!!










we can't wait to fly the friendly skies with you!

4 months old

happy birthday baby jett!

just 4 j5

a little longhorn

fun in the winter sun

my best girlfriend

my niece is an amazing person.

she was born on my 6th birthday & i've been crazy about her ever since.

she has been there for me through rain & shine - many times being the solid rock that kept me stable. i can remember playing dress-up & school :) with her when we were little, coaching her summer league basketball team when she was in junior high, and seeing her walk across the stage at her high school & college graduations. she stood beside me as my maid-of-honor & was the first to offer encouragement when things didn't go the way they should. she was there for me when i mourned the death of my marriage & again when i mourned the death of a friend -

through the years, i've watched her become a beautiful, strong, independent, faithful, intelligent person with a heart as big as the ocean. her love knows no end.

she was right outside my hospital room the day jett was born. and she has loved him deeply from the moment they met.

what a lucky boy to have such a loving 'niecey'-
what a lucky aunt to have her for a best friend.

today jett is 3 months, 1 week & 5 days-
and in 3 months, 1 week & 6 days my niece will walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams.

i know how quickly the time with jett has gone, and i know it will only be a short while until my dear friend marries & moves away.

i will miss her severely.
and i know jett will too-

i pray we both 'soak' up the moments we have left to spend with her.
and i pray she knows she is precious to our souls.

'photos' in my mind

i have been a 'photographer' for a while now. i happen to think i'm one of the best. but, you won't find my work in a studio - or on the front page of a newspaper. you won't even see it in a photo album in my home. the pictures i'm most proud of are taken with my mind - and stored away in my heart. i've collected these 'shots' for years. when i'm alone on a run, or mindlessly folding clothes, i thumb through these 'albums'. this is what i see-

a bright yellow school bus in the distance on a long dirt road, a blue 'precious moments' sachel with my book order completed, & a 'care bears' metal lunch box - the long ago days of kindergarten :)

a strawberry shortcake purse with a long red strap & a brand new beautiful niecey ( & wondering why my sister couldn't leave her hospital bed) to celebrate my 6th birthday

my dad's wet eyes at my granddad's funeral - & again the day my grandmother died -

a white spray plane landing on that same long dirt road - my brother walking toward the house -

a yellow (much faster) airplane turning into the sunrise & lining up for another pass through the corn field -

my first 3-point shot as a starter in the kenneth cleveland gymnasium -

my mom, dad & sister driving off - leaving me 900 miles away from home at college -

my dad stepping out of my uncle's airplane to pick me up at san marcos- man was i glad to see him - :)

the runway numbers as i turned 'final' on my first solo flight -

the finish line banner blowing in the wind at oklahoma city -

my niecey sitting on the front porch of fannin waiting to get snow cones -

my husband's face in the warm sun as he said his vows & held my hands on the beach at st. john -

j holding jett minutes after he came into this world- jett seeing his dad for the first time -

my sister looking away from my son with tears in her eyes to tell me 'he's perfect' -

looking into jett's eyes after his surgery and seeing a boy with amazing strength-

and my latest - just today - jett taking a break from feeding to softly smile and whisper 'ah gu' -

the 'pages' of my albums are worn, no doubt, i look at them often. and the contents are more precious than words.
i pray i never lose my memory of certain days gone by - & i pray i get to take them with me when i go.

3 months old today

a language all their own

one of my favorite things to do in this world is to watch my husband & son 'communicate'.

jett grins the biggest and brightest when he 'speaks' with his dad. his face lights up; his arms wave in excitement. i can only imagine what he tells his dad during their time together- his thoughts, his dreams, maybe even his fears. you can see the adoration they have for each other written all over their faces.

and to hear the love in their voices . . .
i've never heard anything like it. it's like they have a language all their own.


i love it . . .
and i don't want any part of it. (except to watch quietly from a distance from time to time.)

it's theirs.

all theirs.

and only theirs.

two 'men' looking each other in the eye & seeing nothing but the other man's soul. their love for the other runs deeper than the greatest river. i used to think there was nothing like a bond between a dad & his daughter. now i know the love between this father & son must come close.

mr. independent

everyday i learn . . .

jett has become super independent over the past few weeks. it has been amazing to see. he would much rather be on his own, training for the 2023 tour de france, while conversing with the ceiling fan than be held by mom or dad. i think it's awesome in a way (although sometimes i just want to hold him close like i did with my five lb. baby.) he's so easy, only fussing when he's exhausted all his energy stores & needs a 'powerbar'. he even 'rides' his way to dreamland without our assistance. sometimes, just for grins, i TRY to rock him to sleep, allowing him to 'draft' from my lead for a while. he fights me the whole time, arching his back, straightening his legs & airing out his lungs, hell-bent on going it alone. not until i put him 'back on his own set of wheels' does he calm down & return to his normal cadence. wow- mr. independent.

AND, to top it off, he's been sleeping in his own room at night for about a month now, just letting me know when he needs a meal. so, even though it's early in the 'ride', i'm getting a taste of what it will be like when he moves out on his own, only needing mom for a meal and clean laundry. :)

how blessed we are to have & 'know' a strong, healthy, independent boy . . . with the sweetest grin i've ever seen.

ride hard jett- i'll be close by if you ever need a 'rest-stop'.

two months old

"making the decision to have a child is momentous.

it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body."

~ elizabeth stone

when you love someone

a reading from our wedding -

When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom. The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency.