5 months old today-

happy easter from one cute bunny.

brown bear

finally friday-

i look so forward to the weekends. time with j, time for the 3 of us to hang out together. after 5 days of diapers, laundry, children's books & lullibies, it's nice to have some adult conversation. i think that's why i haven't blogged in a while - the only words in my head are 'brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?' who wants to hear a 30 year old babble about the brown bears in her head.?.

jett doesn't seem to mind my insanity - in fact, i think he finds it quite amusing (god love him.) i do enjoy my time with him - trying to 'be present' each day, watching him explore the world one eyeful at a time. everyday he learns . . . and i learn with him. what a miracle he is. i would give anything to 'bottle' his innocence and sell it on e-bay. highest bid - one billion dollars (you must say it like dr. evil to get the full effect.)

he has so much to discover - and it seems with such a willingness to see the beauty in it all.

take it in, sweet boy. the world is a better place because you're in it!

brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?
i see the jett-ster smiling at me.

first solo 3.22.2006

congratulations curt!!!










we can't wait to fly the friendly skies with you!

4 months old

happy birthday baby jett!

just 4 j5

a little longhorn

fun in the winter sun

my best girlfriend

my niece is an amazing person.

she was born on my 6th birthday & i've been crazy about her ever since.

she has been there for me through rain & shine - many times being the solid rock that kept me stable. i can remember playing dress-up & school :) with her when we were little, coaching her summer league basketball team when she was in junior high, and seeing her walk across the stage at her high school & college graduations. she stood beside me as my maid-of-honor & was the first to offer encouragement when things didn't go the way they should. she was there for me when i mourned the death of my marriage & again when i mourned the death of a friend -

through the years, i've watched her become a beautiful, strong, independent, faithful, intelligent person with a heart as big as the ocean. her love knows no end.

she was right outside my hospital room the day jett was born. and she has loved him deeply from the moment they met.

what a lucky boy to have such a loving 'niecey'-
what a lucky aunt to have her for a best friend.

today jett is 3 months, 1 week & 5 days-
and in 3 months, 1 week & 6 days my niece will walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams.

i know how quickly the time with jett has gone, and i know it will only be a short while until my dear friend marries & moves away.

i will miss her severely.
and i know jett will too-

i pray we both 'soak' up the moments we have left to spend with her.
and i pray she knows she is precious to our souls.

'photos' in my mind

i have been a 'photographer' for a while now. i happen to think i'm one of the best. but, you won't find my work in a studio - or on the front page of a newspaper. you won't even see it in a photo album in my home. the pictures i'm most proud of are taken with my mind - and stored away in my heart. i've collected these 'shots' for years. when i'm alone on a run, or mindlessly folding clothes, i thumb through these 'albums'. this is what i see-

a bright yellow school bus in the distance on a long dirt road, a blue 'precious moments' sachel with my book order completed, & a 'care bears' metal lunch box - the long ago days of kindergarten :)

a strawberry shortcake purse with a long red strap & a brand new beautiful niecey ( & wondering why my sister couldn't leave her hospital bed) to celebrate my 6th birthday

my dad's wet eyes at my granddad's funeral - & again the day my grandmother died -

a white spray plane landing on that same long dirt road - my brother walking toward the house -

a yellow (much faster) airplane turning into the sunrise & lining up for another pass through the corn field -

my first 3-point shot as a starter in the kenneth cleveland gymnasium -

my mom, dad & sister driving off - leaving me 900 miles away from home at college -

my dad stepping out of my uncle's airplane to pick me up at san marcos- man was i glad to see him - :)

the runway numbers as i turned 'final' on my first solo flight -

the finish line banner blowing in the wind at oklahoma city -

my niecey sitting on the front porch of fannin waiting to get snow cones -

my husband's face in the warm sun as he said his vows & held my hands on the beach at st. john -

j holding jett minutes after he came into this world- jett seeing his dad for the first time -

my sister looking away from my son with tears in her eyes to tell me 'he's perfect' -

looking into jett's eyes after his surgery and seeing a boy with amazing strength-

and my latest - just today - jett taking a break from feeding to softly smile and whisper 'ah gu' -

the 'pages' of my albums are worn, no doubt, i look at them often. and the contents are more precious than words.
i pray i never lose my memory of certain days gone by - & i pray i get to take them with me when i go.

3 months old today

a language all their own

one of my favorite things to do in this world is to watch my husband & son 'communicate'.

jett grins the biggest and brightest when he 'speaks' with his dad. his face lights up; his arms wave in excitement. i can only imagine what he tells his dad during their time together- his thoughts, his dreams, maybe even his fears. you can see the adoration they have for each other written all over their faces.

and to hear the love in their voices . . .
i've never heard anything like it. it's like they have a language all their own.


i love it . . .
and i don't want any part of it. (except to watch quietly from a distance from time to time.)

it's theirs.

all theirs.

and only theirs.

two 'men' looking each other in the eye & seeing nothing but the other man's soul. their love for the other runs deeper than the greatest river. i used to think there was nothing like a bond between a dad & his daughter. now i know the love between this father & son must come close.

mr. independent

everyday i learn . . .

jett has become super independent over the past few weeks. it has been amazing to see. he would much rather be on his own, training for the 2023 tour de france, while conversing with the ceiling fan than be held by mom or dad. i think it's awesome in a way (although sometimes i just want to hold him close like i did with my five lb. baby.) he's so easy, only fussing when he's exhausted all his energy stores & needs a 'powerbar'. he even 'rides' his way to dreamland without our assistance. sometimes, just for grins, i TRY to rock him to sleep, allowing him to 'draft' from my lead for a while. he fights me the whole time, arching his back, straightening his legs & airing out his lungs, hell-bent on going it alone. not until i put him 'back on his own set of wheels' does he calm down & return to his normal cadence. wow- mr. independent.

AND, to top it off, he's been sleeping in his own room at night for about a month now, just letting me know when he needs a meal. so, even though it's early in the 'ride', i'm getting a taste of what it will be like when he moves out on his own, only needing mom for a meal and clean laundry. :)

how blessed we are to have & 'know' a strong, healthy, independent boy . . . with the sweetest grin i've ever seen.

ride hard jett- i'll be close by if you ever need a 'rest-stop'.

two months old

"making the decision to have a child is momentous.

it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body."

~ elizabeth stone

when you love someone

a reading from our wedding -

When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet, this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of time and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible in life, as in love, is in growth, in fluidity in freedom. The only real security is not owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was, nor forward to what it might be, but living in the present and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits islands surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continuously visited and abandoned by the tides. Once must accept the serenity of the winged life, ebb and flow, of intermittency.

motherhood-

my 'son-shine' turned 4 weeks old this wednesday. it's amazing how much he has already changed. it seems like he knows what he likes & dislikes - and doesn't hesitate to let you know. his face has filled out, he makes consistent eye contact, and he loves to allow his eyes to roam the room to explore.

and me- well, i think i've got this 'motherhood' thing down. (that is if you overlook a few things.)

some days i don't get a shower until 2pm-
some days i just don't shower. (call first before you visit.) :)
some days i find the cereal box in the fridge & the milk in the cabinet.
some days the dishes stay in the sink all day long.
some days I put dryer sheets in the wash.
some days i don't get to the laundry at all.
some days my shirt is 'crunchy' from 'runaway' milk & my hair is matted with spit-up.
some days jett is 'crunchy' from 'runaway' milk & his hair is matted with spit-up.
some days i find dirty silverware in the drawer.
most days i just eat with my fingers.
some days i get a nap-
some days i just watch jett while he sleeps.
some days all i accomplish is locating the remote in time for gilmore girls and breastfeeding.
some days i just hold the boy.

some days i wonder if it will ever get any easier-
some days i wonder if i'm cut out to be a 'mom'.

some day i'll look back at these trying moments & miss this precious time in my life . . .
and wish i could do it all again.

i give thanks

this thanksgiving has new meaning for me.


today i give thanks for a tiny heart that beats without fault.
i give thanks for two bright eyes that take in a whole new world.
i give thanks for lungs that fill & release air in perfect time.
i give thanks for 10 tiny toes & 10 tiny fingers. (he has his dad's gorgeous hands)
i give thanks for a mouth that longs to feed on milk i can provide.
i give thanks for strong bones & muscles. (he gets these from dad too)
i give thanks for his perfectly crafted body, healthy & complete.
i give thanks for his working organs, that they function on demand.
i give thanks that he was created in god's image, and given to us to love.
i give thanks to be chosen to be his mom.
i give thanks for his dad - the love of my life.

i give thanks for my husband, our families, and now this precious boy-

happy birthday dad-

the nursery is finished.

our bags are packed.

the car seat is installed. (who knows if we did that right!)

the due date is fast approaching.

it's almost time!

we had an appointment today - doc C says it's time for jett to 'land'. we go to the hospital tomorrow @5pm - and they will induce wednesday morn. wow - it's almost time.

wednesday will be my dad's 71st birthday. and i have to say it will be an honor to have my son on this day. my dad is one of my very favorite people - he has been solid ground for me for 30 years now. he was hard on me when he had to be, and even more loving than i could ever deserve. his heart is a source of comfort - no matter what the 'situation' brings. he offers advice when i ask, wisdom without even saying a word, and love with every gesture. god blessed me the day he 'gave' me my dad. i used to thank my sweet grandmother for having a son -

and now i get to have one on the same day -

71 years later.

i hope jett will have some of the same wonderful qualities as his grandpa.

happy birthday dad - i love you more than words can say.
happy birthday grandpa - love, jett.

that's why he's so cool-

my husband is so cool. he'll be talking to someone about sports and all the sudden he spouts off all these statistics and facts about players that i have no clue he knows about. (not that i 'know' what he knows but we do talk a lot.) he is like this walking, talking espn show & the information is always plentiful, up to date & readily available. i can tell it truly interests him yet i have no idea when he absorbs all the details. maybe he secretly watches tv while i sleep.

everyday i learn something new about him -

that's why he's so cool.

37 weeks

we made it- jett august is now considered 'full term' - and despite the doc's concerns of him being 'too small' - i'm convinced this child has more strength than i ever thought about having. i know if he came tonite he would be just fine. for 9 months i have witnessed his relentless pursuit of life, growth and all that goes with the miracle of pregnancy. i haven't 'met' him yet but i know he will be an example of courage to his mom.

this shadow will remain

friday after work, j & i went to the canyon. it was so beautiful. the air was crisp & the sun was warm - somehow god allowed the two to co-exist. we hiked & explored - and talked about how jett would be with us in only a few weeks. wow - it is almost time. and we can't wait to take him to the canyon with us. i wonder if this boy will love the outdoors as much as his dad. i have this feeling they will be 'out' and about often. :)

my belly continues to grow - and he is moving around much better these days. hopefully the ingenious methods we have been trying (see jgiraffe.blogspot.com for detailed descriptions & a good laugh) have worked their magic & he is head down once again. i am starting to think about the stages of labor more & more. i have tried to be open-minded & drop any expectations i have. my ultimate goal is to get jett here safe & sound, healthy. if that means another incision, then so be it. i have learned during these past 8 months to 'let go' of this body. it is merely a vessel - and housing for the biggest miracle i have yet to witness. i am in awe - i'm pregnant - with 5 weeks to go. my mind will not forget these moments . . . this shadow will remain in my memory forever.

my lil' sissy

a sister is someone with whom you have shared your home, your history, and your heart.

my sister has been so much to me - she has cared for me beyond measure & loved me when i was 'unlovable'. she believes in me even when i don't believe in myself. how blessed i am to have such an incredible being as my 'lil sissy'.

thank you for loving me for all my 30 years.

birthday at bodega's

today i turn 30.

i look forward to the days ahead- with my husband, my best friend.

goodbye 29-

unconditional love.

this past week, sitting across from j at a restaurant we've been to so many times, i realized just how lucky i am. most of the people i've met in this world are conditional - only coming around when the 'conditions' are 'favorable.' it's very rare to find a friend that will stand the test of time no matter what the tides bring in. i have this with my husband. he's right there with me - and has been through very good & very hard times. j - thank you for being you - i'm blessed to know you, to love you & to be loved by you.

i've decided pregnancy is a tricky beast. just when i think i'm handling it pretty well, something new comes along & throws me off course. just last night i spent most of the evening convinced i was having a heart attack - numbness & tingling down my left arm, tightness in my chest, aches in my shoulders & back. trying not to alarm j - aka 'the pregnancy police' - i didn't voice much of my fear. (he was already thinking we needed to head for the er.) i tried to play it off as 'heartburn of a new kind' or 'carpel tunnel syndrome gone wild.' all the while thinking 'what if?' i can't imagine not being able to meet this little guy inside of me that i've come to love beyond words. i dream of holding him & looking into his eyes - wishing him all kinds of happiness & praying that the world is good to him. i have to meet my son.

so, after cool wash cloths, magic massage by j, a heating pad, and many prayers, i finally decide it might not be as serious as i had thought & finally fell asleep despite the aches & pains. and jett - never missing a beat - was sure to do his routine exercise regimen, waking me at 2am & then again at 4am, 'running' in my belly for a good 30 minutes each session. he's going to be one fit boy! (that's what i get for marrying j. the boy does not rest.) :)

today i'm back to normal - having 'survived' one more weird pregnancy 'glitch' in the system. j is more tired than normal, not getting much sleep because of his pregnant wife. still he stays- doing what he can to make this journey more tolerable. uncondition support. unconditional love.

aussies with hair

let it be-

it's slowly becoming a reality.

my belly is growing. there is no denying that a 'being' is alive & well inside my rounded middle.

some days it doesn't seem real. i barely remember to feed the dogs & j would misplace his teeth if they were 'falsies.' how can we be trusted with a child?

maybe we'll take the same approach to parenthood as we do with marriage-

love, laugh, learn, live in the moment, let it be.

this moment

3 years ago i was told by my doctor that having a baby would not be possible.

today, 6 months into this journey toward motherhood, i got to see my son's face on the screen. i saw that he's healthy - with a strong heartbeat, full belly and weighing in @ 1 pound, 12 ounces. i 'feel' his energy every day more & more.

in 3 months i will meet my son for the first time. i envision him having his father's eyes . . . and i fear being putty in his hands if that's the case. our lives will change forever, as they've already begun to do. the path is rocky no doubt. and who knows what direction it will take. all i have is this moment.

this moment to be in love with my husband.

this moment to celebrate this miracle that lives inside of me.

this moment to bask in this blessing.

burning blog

my first entry in my first blog. happy hi-me? :)

i've kept a journal most of my (almost) thirty years. and as soon as i fill up the last pages of a book, i light a match. as my words go up in flames, i am reassured that NO-ONE else will read my crazy thoughts. and now- here i am- writing for all the world to see. what am i thinking? (it could be my husband's relentless 'encouragement'.)

now all i have to do is figure out how to burn this d*&@#$ thing when i'm done!

i can see the headlines now- crazy blonde sets her 'blog' on fire - destroys husband's prized apple laptop.

sorry honey - but i warned you.

airplanes & mountains